Cartman's Wound
by SpriteCoke
Summary: It's mere stupidity and has no real plot. Hilarious, though, in my opinion.


**This is really just pure stupidity. I've never written for South Park and I wanted to see how I could do. There really is no plot, I mainly wrote this just because I thought it was an absolutely hilarious idea. I'll probably delete this later on in the future. **

* * *

" Mr. Kitty!" Eric yelled, searching his room for his cat.

" Kitty, you come here right now!" he called again, looking under his bed. There was Mr. Kitty trying to sleep and ignoring Eric as best she could.

" Well, there you are! Now, come here, I just gotta stuff some broccoli down your throat!" Eric said as kindly and soothingly as he could. Eric reached for the cat but she was too far back.

" Mr. Kitty! Get your ass over here!" he yelled. The cat lifted its head from her arms and blinked at Eric, her ears bent backwards. She didn't budge so Eric tried reaching for her again.

" Cmon, hurry up! Mom's gonna find out I'm gone!" he complained, reaching a little bit further. His fat lifted the bed up and he squeezed further under the bed, finally reaching the cat. He grabbed her by the front paw and yanked on her then got out from under the bed.

" Finally... good thing I'm strong enough to lift the bed up from the ground," Eric said, sighing at his greatness.

Eric took the cat from his room and into the kitchen. He looked around, being sure his mother wasn't back from "taking a rest". She wasn't, so Eric gladly sat back down in his chair with his cat in his hands. Mr. Kitty blinked and meowed.

" Shut up!" Eric yelled, stabbing a piece of broccoli with his fork. He then stuffed the broccoli into his cat's mouth which the cat obviously did not like at all. It meowed and tried getting away from Eric but he was too strong.

" Just eat it! It's good for you!" Eric explained as he continued trying to feed his cat. It meowed again and then with all its might it jumped from Eric's arms.

" Ow! You little bastard!!" Eric screetched, holding his left arm with his hand. He felt pain from where his cat scratched him. A small tear slid down his cheek and he quickly wiped it off, lifting his sleeve up and examining his wound.

It was a simple cut, only an inch long and there was barely any blood. Eric shivered and recovered his cut, then knocked on his mother's door.

" Hey, mom... I'm wounded!" Eric yelled from the other side of the door. His mother gasped.

" Get under the sheets, under the sheets!" she said briskfully to some random man she had met at the grocery store.

The man quickly tried getting under the sheets but it was too late. Eric opened the door and saw his mother laying naked in bed with a man.

" Mom, Mr. Kitty scratched--!" Eric paused.

" Mom, what are you... what are you guys doing?" Eric asked, stuttering. His mother swallowed and pulled the blanket over her chest.

" Oh, hunny! We were just, uh..." she began, pausing to think of an excuse as to why a man was in her bed.

" We're just studying eachother's feet! I, um... am a foot specialist and this... fine lady here thinks she may have... some foot disease," the man said.

" Yes, that's it!" Eric's mother agreed. Eric blinked.

" Oh, okay..." he said, simply.

" The band-aids are in the left cabinet in the bathroom, poopykins!" she added, before going under the covers. Eric left his mother's room and shut the door behind him then went into the bathroom. He checked the left cabinet and found a box of band-aids. He took the biggest band-aid he could find and put it over his wound.

_Man, I sure am brave... I can't believe how brave I am. I can't wait to show Kyle, he'll be so jealous. Everyone's going to think that I'm so awesome and risky. _Eric thought.

--

The next morning, the group stood at the bus stop waiting for the bus.

" Hey, guys..." Eric randomly started. Everyone looked at him and waited for him to speak.

" What?" asked Stan.

" I, I seriously have the most awesome thing to show you..." Eric said, lifting up his coat sleeve. Kenny looked at Eric's arm, much interest showing in his eyes. Stan and Kyle also looked and saw that there was a large band-aid on Eric's arm.

" Well, take the band aid off so we can see, " Kyle ordered.

" Okay, but prepare yourselves... it... it's so gross," Eric said, slowly starting to peel off the band-aid. All three boys watched, the suspense was killing them.

" Just rip it off, Cartman!" Kyle shouted, not willing to wait any longer.

" Alright, alright... no need to get your panties in a knot," Eric said before ripping the band-aid off his arm completely. He shrieked.

" Ow, that hurt like hell! Damn extra sticky band-aid!" he cried, clenching his fists while the other boys looked at Eric's wound, boredom written all over their faces.

" And I didn't even cry at all... I got this while I was dirt bike riding through the forest... I was going so fast... and I guess the adrenaline got to me. I tried riding off this huge hill... and, well, the rest is history..." Eric said, showing off his cut.

" You don't even have a dirt bike, dumb ass!" Kyle yelled.

" Shut up, you dirty jew! You don't know shit!" Eric yelled back, recovering his wound with his sleeve. Kenny laughed while Stan and Kyle looked at eachother.

" Know what? That... is pretty awesome, Cartman. You should show everybody once we get to school..." Kyle said, trying not to smirk. Eric smiled.

" I plan to," he said, simply.

--

Once at school, Eric sat in the classroom, his left sleeve lifted up past his cut so everyone could see. He kept looking at it, seeing how cool it looked and how awesome he must have seemed. He looked at the other classmates and noticed nobody was looking at him but Butters. Once their eyes met, Butters smiled and waved. Eric squinted and looked on the other side of the room. Kyle rolled his eyes at him and then continued writing down his notes. Eric was such a retard.

--

In the halls, Eric found Butters putting his things into his locker. He walked up to him.

" Hey, Butters... I couldn't help but notice that you were looking at my wound in class, today..." he started, standing behind Butters. Butters turned around.

" Uh, no, I w-wasn't... I didn't even know you had any wounds..." Butters said, shutting his locker. Eric began walking down the hall and Butters followed.

" Don't play games with me, Butters. Just because I've been wounded doesn't mean that I don't have any feelings! You just don't know how hard it is to have people staring at you, pitying you! Wondering how I got it and how much it hurts! Then when you confront them, they lie about it! Say they didn't know you were wounded!" Eric said, shutting his eyes tight and resting against the wall as he took in deep breaths. Butters rubbed his hands together, nervously.

" I-I'm sorry, Eric. It won't happen again..." Butters said. Eric held his head in his hands.

" No... no, I'm sorry, Butters. It's just... living like this is so hard, you know?" Eric said. Butters patted Eric on the back.

" I understand. M-maybe if you show me your wound I could help you out," Butters offered. Eric shook his head back and forth.

" No, no... I don't want to drag you into this... You'd never recover," Eric said, walking away.

" Oh, I bet I will... it can't be all that bad!" Butters said, hoping Eric would show him. He was very curious.

Eric looked at Butters for a long moment and then sighed. He held out his arm and covered his face, showing Butters his horrible gash.

Butters looked at Eric's arm and found a small scratch and nothing more. He looked at other areas on his arm and found nothing.

" Is... this a cat scratch?" Butters asked. He himself had a cat and sometimes it'd accidentally scratch him while he was playing with it.

" No, Butters, it is not a cat scratch! I was hiking in Utah and... as I was climbing a cliff, a boulder fell and it pinned my arm against the cliff side. I didn't think I was going to survive, you know? Then, just when I was about to cut my arm off, I just pushed on the boulder with my other hand and it fell down the other side of the cliff. Good thing I'm all big and strong... I wouldn't have made it out there..." Eric said while Butters listened carefully.

" Didn't something like that happen to Aron Ralston?" Butters asked, scratching the back of his neck.

" Who the hell is Aron Ralstein?" Eric asked, lifting a brow.

" Uh, no-nobody..." Butters said, walking off in the other direction after realising Eric was just lying.

--

Back at home, Eric was getting ready for bed. He was in the bathroom, toothpaste in one hand and his toothbrush in the other. His toothpaste was in his left hand and when he squeezed to get the paste onto the brush, he wailed and dropped the tube onto the ground. He held his arm and shut his eyes tightly, breathing deeply.

" Oh, shit..." Eric said, finally recovering from the pain that came from using his left arm. He began wondering if he'd ever recover from this horrible incident.

Eric forgot about brushing his teeth and walked over to the toilet paper. He wrapped a roll around his arm repeatedly until he felt it was secure enough.

" How am I supposed to live like this...?" Eric asked himself before walking off to bed.

--

The next morning, there was no school, and the boys were all having a snow ball fight.

" My alien acid totally destroyed your armor, Kyle!" Stan said, hiding behind his fort.

" My breath of ice totally destroyed your face, Stan!" Kyle said, hiding behind a turned over table. Kenny hid behind a trash can and Cartman sat on the stairs, his wound covered in toilet paper.

' You're such an idiot!' Kyle had said when Eric told him he couldn't play, today. Cartman remembered the moment like it was yesterday and he sighed, wishing his life was better.

" Just come on and play, Cartman! It's only a stupid scratch!" Kyle yelled. Eric rubbed his forehead with his hand.

" You just don't know what it's like, Kyle..." he said before standing up and walking down the street.

" He's a friggin' melodramatic retard..." Kyle said to Stan as they all watched Eric.

--

Eric walked down the street until he was standing at Butters house. He sighed and then knocked on the door. Soon after, Mr. Stotch opened the door and looked down at Eric. He noticed the toilet paper wrapped around Eric's arm and smiled.

_Butters little friend wants to play doctor! How sweet... _he thought.

Mr. Stotch let Eric sit on their couch as he called for Butters to come downstairs. He said that he could finish being grounded later and Butters ran down the stairs excitedly.

" Oh boy, oh boy! Do you finally believe me, dad? You believe that I didn't--!" he paused when he realised that Eric was sitting on his couch with toilet paper wrapped around his arm.

" Oh, uh, hi Eric," Butters said, standing still and wringing his hands together.

" Hey, Butters..." Eric said, sounding depressed.

" What, uh, what are you doing here?" Butters asked walking over to the sad boy. Eric shook his head back and forth. He really seemed out of it.

" I just... none of my friends understand what it's like to have this... disability. And you, Butters... you understand. You always understand, Butters..." Eric said, wiping a tear from his cheek. Butters rubbed the tip of his shoe against the floor.

" Are, you... still talking about your scratch?" Butters asked, worried Eric might react angrily like last time.

" It's ruining my life. I can't eat, I can't sleep... I can't even brush my teeth anymore!" Eric cried, holding his face in his hands.

" Don't look at me, Butters!" Eric yelled. Butters looked in the other direction.

" You're overreacting, Eric! It's only a cat scratch! I get them all the time and I can still brush my teeth, no problem!" Butters said. Eric sighed.

" This isn't no ordinary cat scratch, Butters! I may lose my arm!" Eric said, lifting his head out of his hands. Butters blinked then headed for the staircase.

" I'm gonna go be grounded," he said, going up the stairs. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Eric's drama.

Eric looked up to the ceiling and pleaded. Pleaded for mercy, for a way out of this misery.

--

One week later, Eric still had the toilet paper around his arm. Kyle had ignored it, figured Cartman would give up on the act soon, but he just couldn't take it anymore.

" Take that fucking thing off your arm, Cartman! You like like a god damned retard! The scratch is probably gone by now!" Kyle said, clenching his fists.

" I'm not taking it off, Kyle! I need it to keep my bone is place! Do you know nothing about geometry? Stupid jew..." Eric said, lightly petting his injured arm.

Kyle kicked Cartman in the shin, causing the fat boy to fall over. He held his new bruise with both hands, then yelped once he realised he was using his left hand.

" Ow! Oh my God! Kyle, how could you?! I'm telling everyone that you kicked a cripple! God, I think I need surgery, you son of a bitch!" Cartman yelled. Kyle sighed.

" Damn it..." Eric whispered as he began crawling away from Kyle, looking back at the boy with fear in his eyes.

* * *

**Tell me what you think. I think it's hilarious but aside from that, do you think they're in character?**


End file.
